The Magic of Women’s Wedding Rings

Have you often wondered why wearing wedding rings is so overwhelmingly important to women? I mean it’s far more important than a simple life or death issue. The primary reason, I have always suspected, is to keep animals like you and I from jumping on their bones in almost every social scene, especially when alcohol is present. Women claim that the presence of a wedding band signifies her husband’s undying love. That’s the well-publicized message we are supposed to believe, but it’s all subterfuge.

Have you ever noticed in the bar scene, when a married woman decides to have a few drinks with her girlfriends, she’ll sit in a posture with her left hand over her right hand to visually inform Joe NightCrawler that she’s off limits? But you can tell a single woman in an instant. She’ll put her right hand over her left hand, indicating submission to the married individuals in the wolf pack, and also signifying her availability to Genghis Khan and any Mongolian Hordes who may be present. It’s a dog eat dog world.

However, there’s a far more sinister reason behind the magic of the wedding band. Women who wear a wedding ring, no matter how small or inexpensive it may be, are several plateaus higher on the social scale then the pathetic single or divorced women, who are quietly considered losers because they can’t hold a man. They don’t “fit in” with the cutthroat social scene with the mandatory SUV, house with the white picket fence, and the most loving, devoted husband in the world, even if the “losers” have carved their own way in the world through hard work and diligence and decided to forego the traditional path for women. Sorry, that doesn’t mean a thing until you have a hubby, two or three obnoxious, undisciplined children, and the largest penitentiary-sized McMansion in the county.

Yes, outwardly, women will glorify their husbands to raise their own social standings amongst their snarling competitors, while in those quiet conversations in the back room after five or six martinis; they may admit to their best friend they think he’s the world’s stupidest man and a lousy lay to boot. Married women rarely use their hubby’s name in a conversation. They will always refer to what’s his name as “my husband,” although her girlfriend has known her husband for 20 years. Everyone within 100 feet must know she is married.

So why is it that some women wear a simple gold band or no band at all while other women wear a 100-carat dazzling diamond monstrosity you can only view from a lengthy distance at night with dark sunglasses? On one side, there are some women who have decided to ignore the common female dynamic or social structure, and even though they’re married, they consider their status to be their own personal business – these women generally are very stable and secure individuals but unfortunately represent a very small minority. Then there are the women who wear a simple tasteful gold band, most likely to signify they are off limits to the drooling testosterone-laden male carnivores.

Based on the Lounge Lizard’s experiences, the majority of women have been brainwashed into believing that the larger the diamond engagement ring and matching wedding band, the more this is undeniable proof to their female friends of their husband’s love and devotion. This could not be farther from the truth. Most new grooms begrudgingly cough up the megabucks to purchase some grotesque bauble that barely fits in the Grand Canyon and is totally out of place on a woman’s petite finger. The man acquiesces to this bribery possibly fantasizing that the larger the ring, the better the sex. Unfortunately, 2 + 2 does not always equal 4. I’m sure that as the typical man forks over thousands of dollars at the jewelry store, he quietly recognizes in his subconscious that the money he just laid out is gone forever. This act of attrition doesn’t offer any of the security of investing in precious stones. If the old lady dumps him for some hunk in a few years, she’ll get to keep and then hock the ring(s).

Do Men Wear Rings, Too?

Today, women are very insistent that their husband’s wear wedding bands, too, to match the ring that protrudes from their nose. Women believe if hubby wears a wedding band, he’ll be off limits to those hideously cunning and unscrupulous divorcees and single women who are constantly on the prowl for a mate, even if it’s someone else’s husband, and it demonstrates that Joe Pussy Whipped is her property, so hands off! Yes, my friends, women are more vicious than men. The other irrational thought that seems to swell around women’s heads is if a man wears a wedding band, by default he must be head over heels in love with his wife.

Both reasons are almost always fictitious. There are many men who condescendingly wear a wedding band to placate their wives; there are even some men who honestly wear the band as a sign of respect and love for their wife; but in general, many “players” recognize that there are millions of women out there who are grateful for a one night stand without any subsequent entanglements, so who better than a married man with which to have a quick and heart pounding tryst. Let us not forget that there are 3 million more women then men in the United States, so the competition is fierce. Many men gleefully agree to wear a band as it fits perfectly into their sexually depraved plans. If only wives knew about this ploy, all of you lecherous pigs would be in real trouble.

In the bigger picture, if you are planning on marrying a woman who is very insistent on the Rock of Gibraltar hanging from her finger, be aware – you’re probably marrying a very insecure individual who will cause you misery after only a few years.

The wedding ring is so important to women that she may have given up all hope of finding that “perfect” man, and you‘re the only one left who has a chance of asking her. She may not even remember your name, but at least you asked for her hand in marriage. Yes, that ring can be much more important than you will ever want to know, so beware.

If you decide to marry after reading this book, and your new legal mate insists that you wear a wedding band, you can choose your course of action: 1) A devoted and faithful husband, or 2) a player who can use the ring to solicit hundreds of one-night stands. It’s up to you.